Apocalypto (2006): screwed before white men

So that is what you were doing Mr. Mel Gibson. I really do not know how to begin. When someone started watching the movie he would know that the only language he will hear will be Mayan. Most of the time I do not trust the translation of such languages because a part of the script could include “screw the stupid-ass viewer sitting in his couch picking his nose”. First of all how they knew I was picking my nose? It is outrageous! Also, why was I surprised when parts of the prophecy where coming true one at a time during the movie? I should have myself checked.

Anyway the story is about a pre-Columbian Central America Mayan villagers who survived an attack and our protagonist “Jaguar Paw” (again I do not trust the name. Imagine the possibilities) trying to come back to his wife and child whom he left in a  some sort of big hole in the jungle, while begging not to rain. But why not to rain? If the hole was able to keep water it would be filled with water all the time and none would have gone at the bottom of the well.

Anyway after overlooking this plot hole, in the beginning of the movie the guy that got pranked must have 6-7 tons of acting skills more than usual. He acted being in pain, in anger and with a transition of laughter. The rest were also crying their hearts out from laughter which could make it easier to flash a smile but it is at least pretty impressive. Apart from that you won’t laugh more during the movie (if you are not a sick bastard) but generally there are a lot of good scenes, especially some long but visually fantastic scenes where a bunch of dudes hunt a faster dude that took 2 arrows and all of them wear a rope between the but cheeks.

Favourite quotes:
"Jaguar Paw: I’m sorry. The balls are useless."
"Jaguar Paw: I am Jaguar Paw. This is my forest. And I am not afraid."